


ev'ry rose has its thorns

by misura



Category: The Locked Tomb Trilogy | Gideon the Ninth Series - Tamsyn Muir
Genre: Alternate Universe - The Bachelor Fusion, F/F, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:22:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28106979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: Gideon was beginning to think that the possibility of finding true love by participating in some bizarre reality holo-show had been misrepresented to her. (bachelor AU, but not the one from HtN)
Relationships: Gideon Nav/Harrowhark Nonagesimus
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25
Collections: Yuletide Madness 2020





	ev'ry rose has its thorns

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheOccasionalMishap](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOccasionalMishap/gifts).



Of the fifteen who had entered Canaan House with her, only three remained.

Gideon was beginning to think that the possibility of finding true love by participating in some bizarre reality holo-show had been misrepresented to her. Of course, it could be argued that it was not the producers' fault that the final three included the bane of Gideon's existence.

On the other hand, Gideon could not imagine that anyone in their right mind would prefer the company of Harrowhark Nonagesimus over the sheer delight of looking at the hotness that was Coronabeth Tridentarius. Therefore, her choice of eliminating Corona yet keeping around Harrow could only be explained by either mind control or drugs.

Gideon's money, had she possessed any, would have been on mind control, which made her inclined to think it was probably drugs.

If she hadn't booted the two members of the Sixth House already, she might have taken her suspicions to them and gotten herself kicked off the show; as things stood, there seemed little she could do.

Five minutes to go until Yet Another Dreaded Rose Ceremony: plenty of time to consider all the life choices that had led her to this moment and still have four minutes and fifty-five seconds for a snack.

Three candidates, two of which looked varying degrees of hopeful. (Harrow looked vaguely bored.)

Two roses, both as red as the blood Gideon's suitors were (allegedly) willing to spill on her behalf. Not necessarily their own blood, it went without saying. (Harrow would probably be delighted to spill Gideon's.)

One blessed bachelorette, chosen by the Necrolord Prime, the King Eternal, or God, if you were feeling chatty and/or allergic to lofty titles.

Gideon Nav looked at the state of her life and wondered what the fuck she had done to deserve this.

(Harrow's answer might have been, simply, _being born_ , which was sort of funny, since part of Gideon thought that this was probably true.)

It would have taken a heart made of stone and a soul made of ice to refuse Dulcinea Septimus anything. She was a cinnamon roll, and knew it, and if she hadn't also been dying, Gideon liked to think she might have dredged up some shreds of resistance.

Instead, Gideon handed over the rose. Dulcinea accepted. Their hands touched. The floating cameras zoomed in, replaying the moment in slo-mo on about six billion holoscreens throughout the Empire.

Some people were probably moved to tears. Harrow seemed close to joining them, although in her case, it would be from boredom.

"Thank you, Gideon," Dulcinea said, smiling, and part of Gideon mentally high-fived the other part of her for a job well-done.

(Harrow's expression briefly shifted from 'bored to tears' to 'superiority with a sneer'.)

If Dulcinea was a cinnamon roll, Magnus Quinn probably had the recipe. Gideon thought he should have been on the Great Necromantic Bake Off, his wife animating gingerbread men baked with bone powder so Magnus could lead them in glorious battle against his opponents, laughing as he slashed their creations with his spatula and cutting through their defenses like a hot knife through butter, possibly but not necessarily because they were, in fact, made from butter.

If baked goods were romance, Magnus was a Casanova of the first order, a Romeo of the bakery, though he'd probably insist on imbibing poison via a festive, home-cooked meal, preceded by a touching but brief farewell speech including at least one terrible pun.

Gideon thought she could quite happily spend the rest of her life with someone who claimed to enjoy 'apple-pining' (lusting for apple pie) and 'getting just desserts'.

She didn't think the reverse would also be true, though arguably, that wasn't Gideon's problem.

"No rush, no pressure, eh?"

The thing about Magnus was: he was _nice_. Gideon didn't think she'd ever encountered _nice_ before. Even in her beloved comics, she'd encountered and thus gained a rudimentary, somewhat theoretical knowledge of such concepts as 'brave' and 'loyal' and 'hot', but _nice_? _Nice_ was new, and she kept expecting it to be a trick. ('Paranoid' was another one from the comics, though she'd also had some experience with it in real life, mostly of the 'it's not, if' variety.)

"And no hard feelings either, if that's got you at all worried," Magnus said.

Gideon realized he was expecting her to pick Harrow. It was a strange thought. She realized she felt disappointed, let down. Harrow was not the least nice. She wasn't hot. There was no conceivable reason for Gideon to pick her over Magnus.

She said, "From the bottom of my heart I want you to know, I'm not going to miss you."

"Oh, Griddle. Honestly," said Harrow. " _Now_?"

(Three hours later found Gideon Nav on a shuttle, experiencing a moment of sheer bliss as for the first time in her life, she saw Harrow look at her with something other than contempt or disgust.)

("So I hear they're looking for couples to do Temptation Planet next month," she said.)

("I - with _you_?" Harrow's entire body sneered at her. "Do I look like I'm that desperate?")

("Yes," Gideon said, who had found honesty a solid policy for getting into trouble, and dishonesty one used by people with an aversion to swordfights.)

("We don't even - " Harrow started, then fell silent, staring at Gideon through narrowed eyes. "I see.")

("Fifty-fifty split of the prize money," Gideon said.)

(Harrow looked like she'd discovered the last lemon she'd sucked on contained acid. "Fine.")


End file.
